Listen and Hear Me

Listen and Hear Me

The sincerity of listening–reaching out, attending to, and valuing the thoughts and needs of another–has no comparable measure. To listen and to hear, truly, is a comforting blanket of care–support–most valued. It is most needed during times of vulnerability, self-doubt, and health struggles; both mental and physical. Moreover, the comfort is felt from both ends as the blanket stretches its warmth, understanding, and consolation; extending towards empowerment. We are not on placed on this earth to be alone, so it is imperative that we recognize what is missing. Listen and hear me. Gain understanding. Grow a community.

myms2016

Listen and Hear Me

How do you know when it’s all worthwhile? How do you know that everything you’ve put forth is right? How do you know when you’ll be hurt, or when you’ll be healed? How do you know what step to take next? Will it be for you, or for the collective, or some other incomprehensible congress? How do you know…?

Sitting – soaking – sinking into my thoughts; my insecurities, my fears. Immobilized by my own mind, though my body has already claimed this control, I feel lost and don’t know how to fix this; this feeling of gross uncertainty. I seek council, guidance, and support.

‘Help me, God,’ runs unbroken through my mind – thoughts of desperation. I reach out and feel nothing; out again, feeling walled. I retract my reach and wrap around to find comfort in myself – I will listen.

We call unceasing…

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Confounding Principles

Confounding Principles

There is something that has never settled well with me. Something—a conversation—I keep finding myself having; and it leaves me disheartened.

We have these amazing and near-perfect notions of what we want; what our life will be and how it will play out. These notions are, unfortunately, not as incredible as we imagine. Not even close; because they are figurative and exist entirely in our imagination. In reality, with which many of us have lost touch, events are much more…well…real and often disappointing. They are not disappointing relative to the entire definition of the term; no, they are disappointing because reality has proven itself once again that we do not live alone in an imaginative world where everything runs according to our rules, wants, and wishes. These realities are the laws of life and of our relationships within life.

When we consider commitment, we conceptualize fantastical ever afters of bliss and belonging. We also obsess over the strain, stress, and caged-in effect that commitment poses; from which we are repulsed and often decide to reject proposed promises made by ourselves or another. And that is disheartening. This is a continued conversation of life, living, and finding someone with whom we truly belong.

Nothing ever occurs as expected. If it does, it is a rare occurrence that should not be expected following any decision. And this is an issue we must grapple with because expectation is formed unconsciously; or in our suppressed consciousness. We are intelligent, so I also believe that we play the ignorance card by adopting negligent patterns while living. It is rather astounding and quite unimaginative—ignorance—that leaves us in a state of stagnation, wherein growth does not occur nor does companionship. I find it so unfortunate that we continuously decide against a proposal—a decision—because we fear what may be expected thereafter.  That we would rather be in a constant state of conflict, destruction (of ourselves and of those around us), and dejection—a state of nil commitment and eternal loneliness.

I am confounded by such tenets—these unhealthy realities.

A Walk In My Shoes

A Walk In My Shoes

It’s been two years in writing; and almost three since the news that was both relieving and daunting…
This piece is still so real–so raw–and brings back all the confusing and terrifying memories of the sensations (and numbness) that followed me with every step. And still, I walk in my shoes–to remember and to then (hopefully) walk better. I do, however, take the shoes off 😉 as should we all–to embrace the road and be grounded in this life.
The journey continues.

myms2016

03/20/2016
I wrote the following blurb last summer to let out my thoughts about my diagnosis. I decided for it to be the first thing I post here; as a beginning marker to my journey with MS…

A Walk In My Shoes – 08/07/2015

Shoes, now those are definitely a battle on their own to walk in. This was one of my early clues that something wasn’t right. I remember, even as a kid, I never liked shoes; running around in my bare feet on the gravel. But, about a year and a half ago (almost two years now!), as I took a long walk with my mom, I had this immense urge to take my shoes off…like I needed to cool down…and it helped for a brief moment, until I warmed up again and I had no shoes left to remove. Still stumbling in my bare feet, feeling dizzy…

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POEM – Silence

POEM – Silence

It is fascinating to reflect and note the similar feelings that were had one year ago–feelings most alike to those had now, one year later…. The silence is both frightening (loud and overwhelming) and incredibly lonely; and filled with many tears.

myms2016

Hold me, Dear Silence.
Let nothing interfere.

The noise of this world
Brings nothing, but fear.

I curl and I shrink,
Trying to cover my ears –

Their sounds rumble around –
I feel they are near.

Now hold me Dear, Silence.
Hold me and steer.

Keep tight your reigns
And take ‘way my tears.

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POEM – Another

POEM – Another

Our souls do indeed thirst for another–for warmth and companionship. The many, many wishes we have to escape our sorrows and this cold world. For such, we dare to dream and believe.

myms2016

With deep sorrow unfolds
Our tales so told.

That wishing upon wishing
We never grow old.

Our souls thirst for another
Yet, others aren’t sold.

We dare dream to believe
Of a life not so cold.

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POEM – Paper Palindrome

POEM – Paper Palindrome

Words keep spilling over paper.

The words are loud,
producing sopping wet pellets of ice

that ricochet towards the readers’ eyes;
burning holes in their minds
and eroding into larger spaces

where nothing settles—
everything just spills.
The loud pellets of wet ice burn

endlessly in the hollowed readers’ minds;
never settling. And still

words keep spilling over paper.

For Your Entertainment

For Your Entertainment

Timeless–Reality is a hard pill to swallow, and may not go down at all. MS is definitely one that continues to come back up…. It continues to push me towards growth, humility, and confidence; towards incorporating what I love into my life. So, here I am for your entertainment as I search for sanity–something we all strive towards…

myms2016

Entertainment. A pleasurable experience we all incorporate into our lives; a societal diversion of which we also seldom have complete control. It is a motivating force, an uplifting hoist, an escape from reality, and a chance to relate and find a community that is alike you. As I cruise through life, I find that I go through my daily interactions in a very similar, very repetitive pattern – acting aloof to break the silence, for hopes of a chuckle and to flip the frowns – all for the sake of entertainment.

I suppose this communicative pattern that I’ve observed is more or less innate – almost automatic – that I desire to entertain and make light of shady spaces. As early as I can remember, I’ve danced and entertained and never once despised the exposure of my passion to those eager to experience it. No doubt, not all forms of…

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