Where am I and what am I doing? It’s almost impossible to explain the difficulty in planning. All the unanswered questions…the “what if’s”…the decisions. What do you REALLY want to do? What part of that is realistic?
I find myself lost, in limbo. Last year, I had an idea of where I’d be; a general plan for my future. But now, I am bombarded by all of these decisions…all of these options; and none providing complete security…none that, alone, combine ALL that I want in life. It’s hard not to feel down about catastrophic life changes. Sometimes I feel as though my world’s been shattered, while I was flung out of orbit and cannot catch up. Now, I’m somewhere in limbo, trying to figure out which direction to travel. Which choice will best patch up the holes I first fell through?
It hasn’t even been one year since my diagnosis and I’ve probably decided on 4 or 5 different plans, which I’ve also threw to the back burner…thinking that SOMETHING will happen and one of those plans will be the definite answer. But, I’m lost; overwhelmed with impatience, inconsistency, and indecisiveness…a lack of assurance. I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing…I’m in limbo.
I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do, but when they do, I find all of the flaws…all of the excuses that will prevent me from taking their advice and running. I’m sure this drives those around me crazy! I’m not proud about this habit of mine, but I do want advice…opinions on which to build my own plan; using all of the best pieces.
I have to say that MS can put a real damper on my future aspirations. Beginning with the mere ability (or lack there of) to walk anywhere/everywhere without fatigue or numbness, to the strictly scheduled monthly infusions I need in order to keep my irritable MS quiet and humble. It really makes it difficult for me to plan and even enjoy spontaneous events, because MS has no plan. It does what it wants, when it wants, and really has it’s way with me.
Perhaps the reason for me having developed all of these half plans will work in my favor; and one day SOMETHING WILL happen. I don’t know why I am so anxious to have a set plan. There IS comfort in scheduling; in a routine. But, maybe, I’m lost in this limbo for a purpose. I’ve tried, and am still trying, to make plans and set things in place so it is easier when I DO get there. BUT, I’m making it more difficult for me right now…because I’m afraid…because I’m anxious.
When I really think about it, and let myself relax, there’s something quite calming about being lost…having no plans set in stone…a calm that is comparable to the comfort of a schedule. I can do things at my own pace, I can rearrange my day, I have all the freedom and time to do with what I want. I suppose limbo isn’t so terrible. It can be quite a good companion for self-acceptance, reflection, and relaxation. A place, where the world runs on your time.