I often catch myself looking back on my life; on all the things important to me. Moments that I remember…moments that, together, have made me who I am now. I don’t look back wondering or wishing that I could change any part of it…just to reflect and fill my mind with ease; with the innocence of childhood; the carefree world, the naive peace of mind unperturbed by the wrinkles that now fill my brain and my world. I don’t say this is a negative sense. The wrinkles come from learning, from experience, from hurt, from choices, from joy, from living. To think how much I’ve been through is incredibly enlightening.
I remember being young on the farm and playing without an agenda. How easy life was then to be a kid; knowing you were safe, knowing you were loved, and feeling that your world was unbreakable. When I think about my childhood, that’s what I think about.
I loved playing the piano and was filled with jealousy when one of my sisters were playing.I would sit at the piano for hours; pressing random keys, picking my favorite notes, counting the notes on my mom’s music books, and playing them to the beat of the metronome. Very little could break the peace I felt then.
I remember helping my dad with the cows, feeding the odd stray calf, and sitting in our rattly brown truck to check on the herd. I was proud to be allowed to hold the steering wheel; not a lot of kids get to do this!
Then came dance; the most dear to my hear…the love of my life. My sisters and I were the power trio; the Three Musketeers. We did it all and IT was my whole world.
Unfortunately this is where I struggle with not wanting to change things. And I’ll explain why…
I was given a wonderful opportunity after my final high school year to dance professionally. This point is probably my most treasured accomplishment. I danced in the production shows on a cruise line for two, 8 month contracts. Not only did I get to do what I loved most everyday, but I met so many wonderful and supportive people who shared my love of dance.
I was also fortunate enough to do a contract with my wonderful twin sister.
Now, here is where I explain the part I sometimes regret because I decided to put my energy toward something else, someone who I thought needed my time more than me; and I stopped dancing…just like that!
In life, you learn about what it feels like when people want to grow with you. You learn about what it’s like when people want you to continue to grow. And you learn what it feels like when they don’t. This is why I like to remember my past. In reality you don’t want to give up something you love in order to keep another thing you love around. I don’t think life should give that kind of ultimatum…but it does. So now, sometimes I find myself wondering what it’d be like if I’d kept dancing; where I’d be and how my MS would’ve played along. Would have I got myself checked out earlier than I actually did? Would I be more physically able? Would I be happier?
I’d like to think I would be. But, I know that this is virtual. These wishes and questions are all fabricated from a point in my life where I felt untouchable. And, though those after thoughts aren’t real, it still gives me joy knowing the real parts DID happen and they were incredible.
This past year has really got me focused on that kind of love once again. That love of something that’s so powerful it encapsulates you and you truly love yourself. For this refocus, I thank my MS. So…I dance in my basement. Not at all how WELL I used to…with my coordination askew …but in the WAY I used to love. Feeling the rhythm, finding that groove, allowing my muscles to remember as my mind does. And, in those moments, I find that peace of mind…that serenity…that love; like no time has gone.