Opportunity…commitment…

Upon completion of my program coursework and hours, I have a lot of time for self reflection…free time to decide what to do with and not-so-free time to apply for work. In this time, I find it difficult to commit to any one idea that comes to mind. Just applying to a job that outlines physical requirements that I am not confident my MS and I can perform together is quite an ordeal. Even applying to a job that, if I am successful, that will require me to relocate is anxiety provoking. Why would I apply if I am afraid to commit?

This is just one example of the way I’ve spent my time the past couple of weeks; with hours given to searching for description of work that would be perfectly suited to me…for me. Unfortunately, now that I reflect on my search methods, I realize that there is no such thing. And, for that reason, I HAVE applied to numerous postings. But this itch of anxiety follows me…What if, in my impatience, I get called and commit – out of fear  – to a workload I am incapable of executing? What if I am NOT what they are looking for in the end because I tell them what I can and cannot do? These situations I fear, terribly.

It’s not just in the employment fear aspect that gives me commitment anxiety. Addressing that summer and warmer weather have begun to settle, it’s only natural that I would be surrounded by others who want to do “summer” activities/outings and to enjoy these, myself…to participate. I am overwhelmed by the anxiety and fear of agreeing to go along with the group, then find myself caught in my MS net; tangled and unable to continue. I want so badly not to be that one person who determines when the activity/fun ends. I want so badly to DO without planning or anticipating when I’ll need to stop. I miss those days when walking was infinite…

So, I find myself in this sticky mess; asking myself if I should stay or go – if I should go and enjoy time with loved ones and put myself through the emotional and physical turmoil that my MS brings, because it insists on coming along…

Honestly, I very much enjoy my me time. However, I know that – given the opportunity – I’d rather spend the time with others and enjoy the bit of activity I can participate in, than stay alone in my pity basement to avoid those personal upsets; wishing that I’d gone outside. But, of course, always easier said than done. Because, once I’m at that point where my body can no longer function, the focus switches from play to panic; the primary goal, now for everyone, being to find a seat and cool me down.
It’s incredibly difficult to express how awful this feels because, once this cycle begins, I know the next bout is close behind. It takes a rather emotional toll – getting my hopes up when my body seems to be cooperating, just to find out that there’s a finite moment.

I don’t say any of this to focus purely on the negative aspects. I say what I feel, what I am going through to provide perspective; an insight that can possibly be related to. Though I am drained when I participate, I also acknowledge the accomplishment. I feel happier…lighter (once rested, of course) to have been able to DO, regardless of the amount done.

Many people tell me that I shouldn’t be insecure about what I cannot do. Unfortunately, I still struggle with this. I wish I knew what others thought, beyond the kindness/pity expressed to avoid making me feel inadequate. I wonder if they are disappointed by my limitations when they try to spend time with me; if they want to tell me to “keep going, you’ll be fine…relax.” If so, I can’t say that I’d blame them because those thoughts come to my mind too. I also know that, most of the time, it takes a lot of convincing…So, I then wonder if they think there’s someone else they’d rather be with who CAN walk/run/climb without the limits that I have.

I apologize if I’ve sounded depressing; as that’s not my aim. I  aim to share my own thoughts and personal insecurities, to give perspective, to provide relative material.
In the end, I know that others just want to help and see me succeed; as I want for them. I really shouldn’t let what I fear others may think feed my insecurities. If I never “go” because I am too anxious about what may happen, I’ll never be able to say that I DID…that much I do know 🙂

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