Tired, Yet Restless
One year ago, the sleep-filled nights and days of sole productivity were few and far between. I’d go to bed late and wake up early; 6:30 am latest. Even on the days with no agenda…no need for early rising. And, on these days, I’d sit; waiting for the energy to hit me – for the coffee to “kick in” – and give me motivation for a productive day of ideas and completed tasks…anything.
Now I think about all of this waiting I did and have been doing; waiting for energy, waiting for a job, waiting for the next day…waiting, waiting, waiting… and, to tell you the truth, I cannot pin point what exactly I’ve been waiting for that’s so detrimental to consider my days worthy.
Okay, I DO know some of the things that have kept me up or woke me too early for grace. One, is the biggest complaint of MSers…and I second this complaint…fatigue. I’m tired AND restless a lot of the time. Naps don’t help, coffee doesn’t really help, and not all days are equivalent; not at all predictable…except that there’s a GOOD chance I’ll be tired at some point. Two, is pain. What an uncomfortable feeling pain is. Changing positions over and over without really any immediate relief – and then I have this mental battle about pain killers; not wanting to be reliant on them…especially if they don’t really address the issue at hand – which may just be all in my head. Three, is treatment. What is my neurologist’s plan? Are the risks/side effects going to present themselves? When will these risks outweigh the benefits? What do I want? Another moment of truth is that I don’t really want to be on treatment my whole life…to be dependent on something so expensive; not just economically, but also physiologically. However, I like being on treatment because I’ve been able to do better and feel better and worry less about another awfully debilitating relapse.
So…now that I have those three points open…I’ll address what I want to do about them; and I’ll start by grouping them together as one unit. Because, they really are a package deal; I don’t get one without the other, AND they are all related to my MS.
About two weeks ago I had an appointment with my neurologist. I actually quite enjoy the visits; the coordination, walking, sensory and strength tests that he goes through. Every time I end up laughing at some point during them…even though I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s his demeanor; his casually comfortable approach to his routine. “How ya doing, kid?” “Walk around for me, kid.” It really helps me stay calm about an already stressful, lifelong situation. Anyhow, because treatment was on my mind, I asked him what his plan was. You see, the risks that worry me are serious – dangerous – and I am already at risk. But, I have been doing A LOT better…NOT that I’m better of course…and I’m still in the safe-ish zone, so he wants to keep me on it for at least another six months. Until December, this will be the plan.
I also told/asked him about my interest in natural methods. He wasn’t opposed to the idea…phew…but wasn’t eager to jump on the band wagon either. Unfortunately, I knew this would be the likely response. Naturopathy and medicine don’t often collaborate…to my knowledge anyways. However, I have been doing research on natural methods of handling my MS. There is SO much information out there! Diet. Exercise. Herbs. Oils. The list goes on…of course. But, from it, so many options that can be combined for a common goal; optimal health and wellbeing. I’ve read a number of stories of people who have MS and are living symptom free. I read their approaches – all natural – and am intrigued; curiously motivated to try these methods for myself. However, one concern holds me captive to waiting…waiting for my MS to be predictable, waiting to be at a stage in this disease that I no longer need treatment. Because, at one point, these people decided to stop treatment and rely entirely on these natural remedies and lifestyles. How terrifying.
Due to the fact that I want to be able to do the same, I’m making that my goal. I already lead a fairly healthy lifestyle; but of course there is always more than I can do…more that I’d like to do. Therefore, I know there will be more waiting…more fatigue…more restlessness. But I would like to start. I’ll be in touch with a naturopath and talk about my options – learn from them – and gain insight into what my body needs. I’m tired of being tired. So, restless, I’ll be. Restless for better. Restless for health. Restless for wellness. To face symptoms few and far between would be a time worth waiting for.