And I Get Up Again – Sorry, Not Sorry

When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. When I get up in the morning, I want to be grateful for another day. When I get out and walk around, I want to be proud of what I did. I want to be me and, for that, I don’t want to be sorry anymore.

Sometimes I just settle, as a floor board in my own home; a page to be written on in my own life’s book. I settle, at the mercy of others – saying sorry for things that are out of my control…for my existence in that particular moment. Why do I let myself be supressed, like my life is worth less than the next when I know that it is not?

“Never apologize for being in someone’s way. You have just as much right to be there as they do.” – anonymous

Of course I don’t want this to be taken out of context, where some sort of ugly dis-cooperation manifests. But, I do want to take this tool and fix what I’ve let be broken that has caused my loose use of the word “sorry.”

I cannot blame my MS for my poor self-esteem or my need to just give in and let others be comfortable. I care so much what I am thought of. I care so much for the happiness and convenience of those around me. I care so much that I forget to cover the hole in my floor, so that I may walk comfortably without falling down; falling behind. Though I cannot blame my MS, I can say that having it hasn’t helped build my confidence and self-efficacy. The struggles I deal with on a daily basis are not welcomed with open arms…

  1. My reflexes are obscure…slower, you can say…and I have a difficult time “acting fast,” especially under pressure.
  2. My coordination is poor; resulting in miscalculated movements and/or actions at snail speed to compensate.
  3. I have this wonderful spell of vertigo when I try to move quickly or get too warm, which leaves the world spinning around me.
  4. My left thumb and index have tendency to tremor, making it increasingly difficult for me to securely hold onto well…anything.
  5. I’m different…I’m special…I don’t do everything the way that everyone else does, because I have MS.

These important points contradict a lot of what society has made life about…of what society has become, in this day and age; fast-paced, convenience, low wait-times, quick fixes, accuracy, perfection…the list goes on. I can say that I am far from perfect. Though I should use this phrase with caution. If I say it as a means to put myself down, shame on me. If I say it because I am unhappy with my performance, shame on me. But, if I say it to humble and lay out my strengths, no shame shall I have. For if I lay out these strengths to walk upon, less will I fall. And, if I should fall, I’ll have my strengths around me to help me back up.

I don’t hate a lot….if ever…but I do hate feeling like I’m letting someone down just because I am me. Because, when I don’t feel that pressure, I do love myself.

Image result for inspirational quotes
I do love all that I have to offer this world. If it be patience, let the world see me move. If it be gratitude, let the world see my fall. I love all that I am. So, I’ll get up again and say sorry no longer for doing what I can…for doing what I am able.

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One thought on “

  1. You should never apologize for being the most perfect and beautiful young and intelligent talented young lady that I see. You are a true blessing to all in your path.. I know your presence touches and is Empowering .. So bravo my beautiful daughter .. Bravo !

    Liked by 1 person

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