And I Get Up Again – Sorry, Not Sorry
When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. When I get up in the morning, I want to be grateful for another day. When I get out and walk around, I want to be proud of what I did. I want to be me and, for that, I don’t want to be sorry anymore.
Sometimes I just settle, as a floor board in my own home; a page to be written on in my own life’s book. I settle, at the mercy of others – saying sorry for things that are out of my control…for my existence in that particular moment. Why do I let myself be supressed, like my life is worth less than the next when I know that it is not?
“Never apologize for being in someone’s way. You have just as much right to be there as they do.” – anonymous
Of course I don’t want this to be taken out of context, where some sort of ugly dis-cooperation manifests. But, I do want to take this tool and fix what I’ve let be broken that has caused my loose use of the word “sorry.”
I cannot blame my MS for my poor self-esteem or my need to just give in and let others be comfortable. I care so much what I am thought of. I care so much for the happiness and convenience of those around me. I care so much that I forget to cover the hole in my floor, so that I may walk comfortably without falling down; falling behind. Though I cannot blame my MS, I can say that having it hasn’t helped build my confidence and self-efficacy. The struggles I deal with on a daily basis are not welcomed with open arms…
- My reflexes are obscure…slower, you can say…and I have a difficult time “acting fast,” especially under pressure.
- My coordination is poor; resulting in miscalculated movements and/or actions at snail speed to compensate.
- I have this wonderful spell of vertigo when I try to move quickly or get too warm, which leaves the world spinning around me.
- My left thumb and index have tendency to tremor, making it increasingly difficult for me to securely hold onto well…anything.
- I’m different…I’m special…I don’t do everything the way that everyone else does, because I have MS.
These important points contradict a lot of what society has made life about…of what society has become, in this day and age; fast-paced, convenience, low wait-times, quick fixes, accuracy, perfection…the list goes on. I can say that I am far from perfect. Though I should use this phrase with caution. If I say it as a means to put myself down, shame on me. If I say it because I am unhappy with my performance, shame on me. But, if I say it to humble and lay out my strengths, no shame shall I have. For if I lay out these strengths to walk upon, less will I fall. And, if I should fall, I’ll have my strengths around me to help me back up.
I don’t hate a lot….if ever…but I do hate feeling like I’m letting someone down just because I am me. Because, when I don’t feel that pressure, I do love myself.
I do love all that I have to offer this world. If it be patience, let the world see me move. If it be gratitude, let the world see my fall. I love all that I am. So, I’ll get up again and say sorry no longer for doing what I can…for doing what I am able.