Topsy-Turvy

Topsy-Turvy

Upside down. What a way to view the world. What a way to walk through life. Going through the motions you think you’re supposed to just to be flipped right around and slammed to the ground, left in a state of utter confusion…

Today was one such day. Not that I don’t have enough on my plate…regarding my health, that is…I got surprised with some information from a chest X-ray that was originally intended for something else entirely. I was shocked. I cried. I even whimpered and then I apologized because I was crying! How messed up is that? Thankfully, the Doctor was incredibly nice and understanding and let me have my sobbing time.

As I read the report, the word “probable” stood out. Meaning that it may not be definite or very serious. Hmm. If only I could see it that way. I had a chest CT last summer and no one said anything…From my understanding, this could definitely have been present then, seeing as the Doctor asked if I had pneumonia or the related as a child. But, what if it wasn’t?

I felt silly for crying, but it also felt SO good to let it out. To be honest, I hardly cried when I received my MS diagnosis…not like this anyway. Because I knew I had it…I knew that diagnosis was coming, regardless of how much I wanted to be wrong, I knew… But THIS! Out of thin air. Not that it was a diagnosis…it was just a probable conclusion. However, I don’t want any other problems…I don’t want any other reasons to live in fear of my body because something is wrong. I don’t want to be topsy-turvy, upside down, upset, or confused. BUT…maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be… I definitely know that I don’t always feel like I’m walking right side up (I say that in the least negative way possible).

To add another spin to this day, I made a HUGE decision to plan for my future! A very proactive decision, because you never know what life is going to throw at you…or your body…preparation is essential! NOT that I want to walk on eggshells because I expect the worst or because I’m afraid anything is going to happen, because I know way more things ARE going to happen and they are not in my control.

My sister always tells me to “take it with a grain of salt…” and I’d think “well, what is that supposed to mean?” So, for your information, I did in fact look it up…to get the real meaning of the expression…and it’s enlightening. It paraphrases the acceptance of a situation while being skeptical about it, applying reason and critical thinking to its validity. How brilliant!

Situations, though completely and utterly true, are only as BIG as you weigh them in to be. Yes, terrible things happen. But so do good things. So, take it with a grain of salt; reason out your problem and think about the role you play in its growth. True it may be, but big it may not…big it may be, but heavy it may not…

Take what life throws at you and embrace it with your savory tooth (like a sweet tooth but for salt). The world isn’t going to end and you can plan and plan and plan and plan… But, living and appreciating the backwards view is sometimes a real blessing, because you’re the only one who gets to see the view.

Walking On Water

Walking On Water

Amidst any process of change, I tread carefully. Presented with new and exciting opportunities, I initially want to jump in head first; dive into the deep. Then time is found and, with it, thought and contemplation sit, resting on the minute hands that tick away. I then find myself struggling to swim back to the surface so that I can get a glimpse – a clearer picture – of what I’m willing [and wanting] to do.

This process I can relate to walking on water. You have to trust your judgement so truly. You have to be ready and willing to take the chance; before knowing if you’ll sink or float. It’s really incredible how much self-efficacy you must possess – how much trust you must have in yourself; in your abilities.

Knowing what you want in life is one thing; something that can be a relatively simple aspiration to acquire or construct. But, knowing what route to take and/how to get there is a whole other element of its own. We don’t carry maps of our lives that provide a birds-eye-view of the roads that would most quickly or easily get us from point A to point B. We don’t have our decisions preplanned. We simply have to choose and do and adjust accordingly; with hopes that we’ve chosen…”right.”

Saying this, I don’t think there are any particular “right” paths. We make do with what we have and make it “right” through our attitude, perseverance, and self-efficacy. If we keep these elements, there is no “wrong” route – no sink-worthy choice – because, we are always able to come up for air if we sink deeper than we planned.

To be honest, I’m not directing this point to anything in particular. It can be applied to anything; a job, a relationship, another year of studies, a trip, purchase of a car or house…anything. It is really about trusting yourself with your life and what you make it out to be; how you perceive it. We find it easy…for the most part…to trust those we care about; those we keep around us each day, in one way or another. We trust these people – professionals – with our lives and our decisions, to direct us and give us insight on the best possible choice. We trust these others, but do we also trust ourselves? Do we make decisions and give ourselves recognition for our investment in our own life?

Through this, day-to-day, I walk on water – sometimes dipping further in – with the goal of feeling success and trusting my instinct. I walk on water when my legs start wobbling under me and I have to decide whether to stop or keep going. I walk on water every time I wake up in the morning with the intention to live, be happy, be free, and trust in myself and my abilities; making this life my kind of right.