All I want is to be happy, to be free, to be well on my own but not alone. I want to feel this remarkable relief that is safe and warm and peaceful. I want to be rid of this stupor state in which I remain incognito to myself and the world. I feel as a kernel ready to pop.
The endless possibilities that are yet so impossible. Impossible to afford, impossible to compete, impossible to succeed, and therefore impossible to be happy and feel freely proud. “When I grow up…” I don’t know what I want to be. According to society I have “grown up,” but deep within I want to be so much more than I am right now. We choose those careers that will be successful, financially rewarding, secure…but we forget to factor in the enjoyment and fulfillment aspect. So focused are we on economic status, savings, and surviving; but are we really surviving? Scheduling in small moments of enjoyment and short time with loved ones and family between the hours, days, months of work that we most often do not find enjoyable. Yes, I suppose we are “surviving” but to say we are living I would not breathe truthfully.
It’s actually been a long while since I last wrote; a long while in which MUCH happened and most was incredibly difficult, though educational. Let me just say that I’ve learned a lot about people in the past month or so, their priorities, and that not everyone is like me. I have also learned that there are people who do care, reaching out to help where they can without keeping tabs or placing judgement on an already excruciating and thwarting situation. In the aftermath of this life’s stormy lesson, I have found some comfort and peace and now sit here thinking about what I want from this life.
To live joyfully; such an innate instinct disturbed by the demands of a world that never ceases to be satisfied. So what do I want from life? I do want to be happy and free. I want to learn with a passion equivalent to my passion for love and companionship. A passion so unequivocally fulfilling that a day’s work becomes a day’s accomplishments. This time of contemplation makes me want to dig into my innate being unperturbed by leading life choices that point to what we are “supposed to be.” And in these thoughts I’m often bombarded by logic and emotion that dwell on my condition. What is realistic for me? What is in store for me? Will I have someone by my side?
I can dwell endlessly on these thoughts and questions, but will only get a short way towards any of it. So I suppose I’ve learned that you do not learn without doing. You can have ideas and wants and you can paint a picture of your utmost desires, but at some point you have to put down the brush and take your first steps toward living the life you want; the life you need.