Every relationship has an ever-changing balance scale that is significantly dependent on the now events, location, and personal commitments. I bring this point up because I want to talk about a feeling that I’ve been struggling with for quite some time. An adjustment that I’ve once (even twice) before had to cope with, work through, and find my own strength.
For months I’ve been searching, wanting, pleading for the attention and proximity from a relationship that was once exemplar of just that. This person was my person. You see that the fame and glamorous life of being a twin is just that, but it also comes with so many underlying hardships. The desire, the need to be the same – identical – isn’t solely a societal expectation, but also a very personal and debilitating pressure. Going through these changes and physical losses have been tremendously heartbreaking for me and I’m sure for my twin as well. Taking such drastic measures to cope and deal with my situation while having my sister there every step of the way makes me realize how truly thankful I was and am. The one person that I can be so easily vulnerable with because they are so similar. They know me and I trust them because they’ve been there since the beginning and we’re practically the same, right? Wrong.
I realize now that I’ve come to a point where I want to be done searching for this once felt closeness because I know that it’s still there, just in a different form. As hard as I try to hold onto something that is no longer there or the way it used to be, I understand that I’m setting myself up for failure. I analyze what I might have done wrong to prevent them from staying. Did I push them away? Did I simply chose not to go? Could I – would I have done things differently? I don’t think I’ll ever find the answers, and I don’t think I am supposed to. We’ve begun to go our separate ways, start our own lives, focus on our individual priorities, and accept the fact that we are far from the same. Yes we call each other to realize our days, though separated by miles, went very much the same. And that is remarkable in itself; how closely you can relate to one person. But reflecting on this observation, I’ve definitely found relatable qualities with others that live closer to me. And that feeling of relief to know you are not alone in your feelings – you are not alone in this life, is equally as satisfying to open up to another who is willing to protect your vulnerabilities.
I mentioned earlier that I’ve found myself twice before – the first was my first contract dancing on a cruise line, the second was when we decided to move to different locations to give our energy to other relationships. Both times were challenging of course, but why did this time seem so much harder? Why was this time filled with much more loneliness than I could have anticipated? All the time spent together is now open…so open, it’s difficult to understand how we filled it. I suppose that’s why people search for their “soulmate;” so they never have to worry about the terrifying aspect of continuous solitude. I do enjoy my solitude but have not, until now, fully understood how much more I enjoy companionship.