Days – of all sorts – come, until so many years are gone. Thinking of the past may be one of the most crippling parts of living. Yes we reflect, accept, appreciate, and douse ourselves in nostalgia’s perfume – memorable, happy, naïve, young. But days pass and, still, we believe the past is more worth living because the present hurts and what we’ve missed on the day, now gone, must be lived in memory’s yesterday; today must wait.
Unfortunately the trouble is not just in the day of today, but also in its blocks – the call can wait; I’ll call back tomorrow…next week; but what if the time that suits you best never comes? I’m not claiming to be ‘all wise and all knowing,’ but I do know from my own experiences and habits that convenience is yours to do with what you want, and is derived from your priorities – your system’s network, wired and routed to your daily life goals, that is only activated by those most proximal, or pertinent, to your day’s success.
Today, I found myself going around and around about what I want – what I need – and I cannot convince my mind as to why I didn’t pick up the phone when those who cared wanted to talk – wanted to help, I’m sure, if I’d only answered and asked. Scared I was of disappointment, in myself and in those I never answered. So consumed with the ‘have to dos,’ I blocked the externals out and, in result, tied myself to a pole going forever around and around until my circle was perfect. Little did I realize that what goes around, may – will – come. Now I’m feeling the dead, busy lines of what I once represented; and my waist is tied, still, to my rope so that I cannot reach to troubleshoot.
I’ve come around, a full circle made, and my corners are dirty; dust-filled with negligence.
Like those I once avoided for fear of giving bad news, I’ve become – unanswered. Un-begrudgingly we act towards those as we’ve been treated; reciprocating, by example, how those who acted may wish to be regarded. We, our kind, complete this circle and go around and around to be faced with what may in fact come back from what we thought was past.
MS alone brings many burdens and hardships; ones that I’m not too proud to say are impossible to manage alone. Stubborn and defeated, I shut off (or at least I want to), and decide that I don’t have the energy to deal with anyone or anything that has nothing to do with my sufferings; for fear of burdening them with these sufferings or for fear of wasting my energies. Why do I do this to myself…to others? Of course I have no energy; I’ve spent it on fury – fury with my symptoms, fury with myself – why me? – fury with loved ones so far away. Now that I’ve realized my mistakes in communication and in not living the day as given, I’ve completed a full revolution and must resolve my course of action, break my circle, and mend my course of action towards others so that – perhaps, in turn – I may be answered.