To accept is a choice – of freewill, we can say – that often presents conditions not worth testing – we do not dare to. I, myself, feel that I am characteristically acquiescent. Forever searching for a balance in those phenomenal matters of the heart – those matters that we refer to as relationships; with those whom we are around, as well as with ourselves and our struggles. I say to myself with frequency, ‘I am too accommodating’ as both strength and flaw, but how does this relate to unprotested acceptance? When I accommodate, I accept that this is the way it is – that the direction in which my situations are taken, as result of universal persuasion or of another’s haste to take lead, is the simplest route my emotional soul can take – to be lead.
Numbing, to the mind and body, acceptance can be; though having too limited a reserve to oppose in pursuit of self-satisfaction – to fight against the strength of stubborn’s fist – makes me weary and is often less desirable than nil feeling. So with intent to maintain the tranquility of peace, acceptance is applied as a numbing agent to keep the paining bruises at bay.
Of course there are matters I feel worth fighting for; where dignity and self-esteem are endangered. Though why do I feel that, for preservation of the self, it is sometimes better accomplished by allowing another to lead and accept what wasn’t my choice?
Recent events have me contemplating this interaction that is in life. Choices are endless and an infinite number of results can follow, which in reality cannot be undone. I much prefer to allow another to be content in doing what they’d rather, so I let them decide upon what suits them best. This is especially in the case of those who need – who thrive – on planning according to their desires, interests, and convenience. This way, this allowance is gentler on my soul and self-worth because I am not left with the responsibility of another’s unhappiness, nor am I left exhausted by debate. However in saying this, I actually find that I am sometimes left exhausted by a confronting attack I have not initiated – this exhaustion being more consuming and debilitating than a self-started debate, resulting in complete and utter demolition of my self-esteem, and after which I sit; puzzled, shaken, and empty.
I am aware that I, for myself, must make plans and have goals and set limits. So why can’t sometimes an undebated, undisputed compromise be enough? – I suppose not as much a compromise as an accommodation to a situation.
Being bruised by these confrontations my dear MS swings my way, I feel struck down and hurt, and now question my acquiescence to this mighty beast; or to any that may give me a similar beating. Perhaps I can allow my acceptance of this situation to waver. Perhaps I am allowed that selfishness – to feel good about myself, whether or not I alone decide. I do not want to fight, so I lean to acquiesce; but if I should be abused, put down, or made feel at fault, my acceptance will falter and I will rise above the oppression that needs not leave me crippled; for I will not be left empty.