Do you find yourself treading carefully in certain situations or around certain people? Are you constantly worried that something – bad – will happen? Do you wish that caution was not a deciding factor in disclosing, in discussing, in sharing? I’ve been facing an ongoing battle within, regarding those in my life and in the handling of my health – my MS. I am struggling to find a solution to best go about diving into the deep; without hurting my loved ones and without, in turn, hurting myself. I wish this was not an additional barrier to the challenges life has tossed my way.
The goal to living life to its fullest, in today’s world, is to do; without the worrying – to “throw caution to the wind.”
I have tried so incredibly hard to avoid the subject of divorce. As a child of it, I have really tried to neglect the issue, but I cannot anymore. I talk with my sisters about it; each one of us affected, each one of us affected differently. I know that we are only a few of so many who are dealing with the repercussions of a family broken. I know that this cancer has metastasized and affects many individuals. And it is also stretching its arms around those who are not even direct victims; causing fear – of commitment, of vulnerability.
My special situation has exposed how raw and open this wound is; and I fear how long it will take to heal, though it will leave a scar to forever remind me. I am really trying not to express my feelings with negative, depressing connotations – that is not my intent. But, back to why I feel my MS has made more transparent these deep waters of divorce, I often am scared to share the problems I face with those I am supposed to feel safe in talking to. I fear that I have to choose which person to talk to and that I have to choose wisely the words I use. I am stuck treading carefully in the shallow end, dealing with my situation in silence – not completely, but not in full disclosure.
The reason for my feelings is that, in the past, sharing information I believed to be harmless actually disturbed the temporary calm waters and left those I care about, and myself, struggling to swim to the surface and gasping for air. I know that people just care and have good intentions in what they do (that is what I hope to be true), but I also feel like a pawn that both opposing teams want to play – for my benefit and their own; finding security in their control.
I wish I could give everyone control and that everyone could have their way. But, still, I fear that what I do – what I say – will leave one side at a disadvantage, leaving me injured also. So, in turn, I’ve attempted to throw caution to the wind and take control of my situation, independently. Unfortunately, it has been a swim most turbulent and I’m realizing that being alone has not dissipated my worries. I know I need help, but I don’t want to worry my family and I don’t want to choose. I wish I was closer to everyone. Family matters are no joke, and they can be difficult currents to swim through. Of course family is a beautiful, loving, and uniting entity to be a part of; I don’t know where I’d be without mine. I am so grateful to my family and I love each individual, so it pains me to see the anger and despise that accompanies separation and its follies.
Deep within, I want to throw away my cautions. I want to give everyone more than just a piece of me. I want to give them more than just a turn to play in my life; and my journey with MS. This is me – raw – throwing my cautions to the wind in disclosing these feelings that I have been dealing with. This is me throwing my cautions to the wind, swimming deeper – with hope to be rid of these fears so that I can share, with all those I love, what I’m going through – leaving no one behind.