It feels like an infinity. It feels like I’m on an uncomfortable ride that never will end. It feels like something is consuming me, bit by bit. It is not terrible, but the lesson I am being taught is a concept I cannot comprehend – not yet.
In the past year I’ve found myself fallen, over and over again; knees bloody, head spinning, eyes full of tears, and screaming for help though no sound is coming out. I am picking up the broken pieces, feeling for steady ground, and pulling myself back up to life. When will it end? When will my body have enough? Which will come first?
The empty spaces around me, I’ve emptied for protection. But now, with all my pains, I wish them to be full – full of people, full of family, full of love. It’s not my MS that has done this to me, though it has not helped in many ways, so I will not place blame. But, I cannot stop my wondering whether it is all in my head, where it all came from, what I did that was so wrong.
I do not think of punishment – I do not like to think that way – but I also do not know the reason my road is so rough. I think of a coil, a spring, a wound elastic – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So what is my action? Why do I keep repeating it? How do I change the physics of my life?
It starts with me. I know. Wake up. Breathe. Be alive. Live. Be thankful. Live. Be peaceful. Love. Be me. Be me and let nobody – not me, not my MS – take that away.