It Takes Two

It Takes Two

Time has allowed me adjustment to change my mentality and increase the viability of my relationships. It does take two, but it begins with one…

myms2016

Every relationship has an ever-changing balance scale that is significantly dependent on the now events, location, and personal commitments. I bring this point up because I want to talk about a feeling that I’ve been struggling with for quite some time. An adjustment that I’ve once (even twice) before had to cope with, work through, and find my own strength.

For months I’ve been searching, wanting, pleading for the attention and proximity from a relationship that was once exemplar of just that. This person was my person. You see that the fame and glamorous life of being a twin is just that, but it also comes with so many underlying hardships. The desire, the need to be the same – identical – isn’t solely a societal expectation, but also a very personal and debilitating pressure. Going through these changes and physical losses have been tremendously heartbreaking for me and I’m…

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Lost In My Mind, In This World Of Mine

Lost In My Mind, In This World Of Mine

Photo by Jamie Nix

Many things change. The development that takes place within one year is incomprehensible, until after it has happened and you are able to look how far (in both body and mind) you’ve travelled. This world of mine–it is … mine … in which I’ll be forever lost. And that is beautiful.

myms2016

Feeling driven and suppressed, motivated and defeated in simultaneous waves. What exactly can I call this place I’m at in life?

With a running list of “to dos” I come home to defeat. “I’m done for the day,” I think to myself as my body grapples with fatigue, moving like sludge through my apartment. “Just a quick sit down and I’ll be ready ‘to do.’” But my mind rummages through its material and surfaces suppressed thoughts and I’m quickly engulfed by my obsessive need for answers to what I’m facing in this world of mine.

Am I too accommodating? Do I care too heavily for the convenience of others and repeatedly resort to placing myself on the back burner? Have I forgotten some passion? What on this earth am I searching for; wanting what I do not have, no longer and never had? Why do these thoughts even come to…

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Let me waste your time

Let me waste your time

“Time is relative; its only worth depends upon what we do as it is passing.”
– Albert Einstein

Photo by Jamie Nix

Occasionally, I catch myself allowing time to slip away. I let it slide through my fingers without much effort to slow it down; without much effort to cease each moment and make it count by occupying it. This occasion happens much more frequently than can be considered as seldom.

While in this reflection, I can’t help but recognize how each passing moment, whether filled or empty of any action, lasts differently to the next. Two hours can feel like two days, then suddenly speed by in less than a minute. We say that time is relative, which I truly believe it is; however, how then can we understand what time is worth to another—to another with whom we spend our time?

I think to myself, in question, “What if I enjoy my time, but am wasting another’s?”
There is no doubt that I have felt reluctant about my use of time, whether it was spent with someone or whether I allowed it to pass by with an activity I am not in the least fond of.

We discuss time, in terms such as days or weeks, in an attempt to synchronize our many selves with one another. And we use it to measure our doings throughout life; appearing to be in control, although in fact, we are not. We have permitted “time”—how we’ve chosen to calculate it—to dictate the happenings that occur, their order, and even their importance in our lives.

I recently finished the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” which touched on death in the final chapter. I will try not to give any spoilers, but Manson discussed many pressing points, one in particular being our fear of dying; which often prevents us from living because it is the only thing that will, with compete assurance, happen. We all die, but “when” is what we find troubling; as is the “how.” I do agree with Manson that, in order to be happy in life, we should accept that we will die and live life without worrying. I will go further and say to live without being concerned about whether or not nearly all our sand has fallen through our life’s hourglass.

Time is a great tool of measurement; although I believe that we do not use it specifically in this way. Instead of simply measuring our length of stay or participation, we go a trillion steps further and measure our productivity; which then determines our worth, which then dictates our purpose, and on to our meaning. Schedules can be liberating, but for the sake of opposition, they can also be limiting and misrepresentative of what is important to us in our life and what we consider to be truly meaningful. Moreover, although time is one of the closest methods we can use to relate to one another, it also passes at a speed dissimilar to any other person’s concept of space and time. That is why time is truly relative. It is weighted differently and felt differently by all. I believe that the closest we can get to synchronization is through time spent together, but even then time never lasts the same for either parties.

While speaking to a class of students about living with MS, I was asked what my biggest “take-away” was. Being the person that I am, I wanted to provide an answer with importance and significance. I wanted what I said to be powerful and unforgettable. And to be honest, I am uncertain if what I said was actually taken this way; but, for myself, it has stuck and is an answer that I continue to think about and remind myself when days—even minutes—become arduous. What I answered, after comically stating that I wanted my answer to be a “good” one, was that we are all different and take our own time to carry activities out. I said that we are unlike anyone else and cannot complete any goal or occupation the same way, nor in the same length of “time,” than any other person. That this perpetual need to compare ourselves to others is completely unnecessary and is actually what hinders us the most from finding success in our daily doings; especially in our biggest struggles. As an identical twin, I can whole-heartedly confirm this because, as similar as I may be to my sister, we have struggled and fought to be “the same” on numerous occasions and have not been successful thus far. My MS diagnosis was a major indicator of this fact.

Time is relative. Its worth does depend on what you do with it. But, because it is relative, its worth is personally determined and is unlike any other moment in any other person’s life; nor is it like any other moment you have experienced before or will experience again.

Is time really wasted if you cannot measure it or see when the last grain of sand will drop? Waste it or use it. In the end, it is all relative.

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Building Bridges of Revelation

Building Bridges of Revelation

 

“Write, therefore, what you have seen, what is now and what will take place later.”
– Revelation 1:19

 

Although writing on this first day of the New Year may be predictable, unoriginal, and in follow of the stereotype to “seize this day” and fill it with words of resolutions, promises, and goals for the year to come, I have decided that I will not wait to address and share the thoughts that have been riding along in my mind.

I will begin with an idea by which I am perpetually puzzled—the idea that the New Year is a “clean slate,” a “new beginning,” an opportunity to “start over,” or something of that sort…. I, myself, have lain victim to this deceitful and troubling, idealized mindset that the previous year’s struggles will dissipate and the New Year will bring “better” if—and only if—you enter with a clear and positive mindset. It is for this reason that I am perplexed. On a side note, I will say that I do agree we should have goals and a (more positive than not) mindset to lead us towards our “purpose.” However, on a larger scale, I do not agree that we are able to “start over” or “be rid” of last year’s disparities. In fact, I believe it is a time to accept and appreciate the long road traveled. I believe it is a time to appreciate that the “start” has passed—no longer in sight—and the steps that have been tread cannot be reversed. Furthermore, our travels have taken us beyond many of our comforts, built up much of our strength, and have now lead us to a point in life where bridges must be built.

~I may be incorrect; I am aware we do not all think alike. I also do not claim that starting the next year with a “clean slate” is defiant of everything that one has achieved thus far; again, I have before begun a year just so. I simply want to give emphasis to our meaning, purpose, and overall contentment with life by addressing this thought that troubles me.~

I have arrived at many crossroads in life that have lead me far beyond any place I could ever have anticipated to find myself; and are detailed in many of my previous posts. Within my memory of these moments, which are strangely and wonderfully as clear as today’s current happenings, I relish the reality and ingenuity of these events; that they directed me somewhere—here—and, I love that I am unable to begin the New Year with a “clean slate.” I like my smudgy, ridge-filled life. Even more, I love it.

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Therefore, I will go one step further and challenge this “new beginning” ideal and move to have the New Year be our revelation—our exposure and admission—of what has passed, what is now, and what is in store for us in the future; without expectation. Leaving expectation untouched, I will open my eyes to the New Year and I will be surprised. I will be surprised and in awe of whatever this next year unveils (no pun intended); all of which will remain written, bridging each continental memory to the next and composing the work that is life.

One last note: Happy New Year, 2018!