Beauty in Lability

Beauty in Lability

It is sudden, unanticipated, these physiological and psychological changes. I contemplate my actions and try to give reason for the unfavorable emotional repercussions that I am directing towards those who simply do not know, who could not know. I close myself off from those who are closest, though I still want and seek refuge from just those individuals I shut out, leaving me grossly distraught by their resulting absences; though my wanting is fit quite tightly within certain conditions. I cannot help but feel…agitated, is it? …disheartened maybe, that it’s just not there – it, which I have not specified because I myself don’t know what it is exactly that I want or need. Because I want it all – the support, the presence, the space, the time, the silence, the community, family, the care, the love… I want it all, but I know I cannot, and I know that my wanting is selfish and, if I’m resentful to not get it all, my bitterness about it is shameful. This process has fed another side of my character and, now, I must find peace and exhibit graciousness for the things I do have without focusing on what is not here right this moment.

I am labile. It is temporary. My body exhibits what my mind and soul are experiencing. It tires, dampens, sweats, chills, itches, hives, and slowly shuts down; those autonomic systems are losing reliability in their functions. This new treatment is not a terrible torture, but it is no walk in the park; though, ironically, it may just make that strolling something less labored, something less thought about, and almost easy. Imagine that.

I won’t be presumptuous, but I will be hopeful. I am going on week two (I wrote on week two; it is now the end of week three) of this something new (Lemtrada) and am learning how far my body will stretch its being to restore and maintain homeostasis within. Some of these responsive measures I’ll attempt to illustrate:

Sleeping Beauty’s slumber does not suffice. When fatigue sets in, I grow more dreary, and my only resorting wish is to vanish – to vanish in order to feed my starving sleep and when I wake, it is only through peeping eyes, because the effort to open wider is an energy I am, right now, without. Now, awake, sudden beats of life begin to pound heavily in my head. My ears are deafened to the sounds outside; I know my body is telling me something about what is going on inside, relentlessly drowning out the external noises no matter how I try to restore normalcy to my sensations. I look around in a hazy gaze and feel ever so loopy. What made me feel this way – this something and nothing at all way? It is not a dream, but when will it end? It ends in my step – the sensation ends that is – and I’m forced to lay still, wait out this storm, and rest my worn being till it is ready to, again, be.20629978_10155773665194467_2061576461_o

There’s beauty in this ugliness of being labile. Emotional changes express the rawness that the soul is feeling in result of physiological tampering. Raw, but still beautiful. This treatment desires a labile immune system; open and easily altered. Of course it is not as easy, physically or emotionally, as it is to read what is written here, but it is fascinating and an impressive correction of our being’s displacement. Broken down and pushed out of stability, my body is stripped raw and is, slowly, beginning to rebuild. But, while it is still raw, it is vulnerable and unstable, and understandably screams when prodded. I must keep everything clean, and safe, and comfortable. I must allow these labile responses, be patient, and rest. I must create a safe space, around me and within, to heal and rebuild a less hostile internal environment.

Right now I am labile, but in time, I will find health and stability; of body and mind, and be overall well. Imagine that. Isn’t it beautiful? I believe it is.


The Law of Motion – A Recurrent Effect

The Law of Motion – A Recurrent Effect

It feels like an infinity. It feels like I’m on an uncomfortable ride that never will end. It feels like something is consuming me, bit by bit. It is not terrible, but the lesson I am being taught is a concept I cannot comprehend – not yet.

In the past year I’ve found myself fallen, over and over again; knees bloody, head spinning, eyes full of tears, and screaming for help though no sound is coming out. I am picking up the broken pieces, feeling for steady ground, and pulling myself back up to life. When will it end? When will my body have enough? Which will come first?

The empty spaces around me, I’ve emptied for protection. But now, with all my pains, I wish them to be full – full of people, full of family, full of love. It’s not my MS that has done this to me, though it has not helped in many ways, so I will not place blame. But, I cannot stop my wondering whether it is all in my head, where it all came from, what I did that was so wrong.

I do not think of punishment – I do not like to think that way – but I also do not know the reason my road is so rough. I think of a coil, a spring, a wound elastic – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So what is my action? Why do I keep repeating it? How do I change the physics of my life?

It starts with me. I know. Wake up. Breathe. Be alive. Live. Be thankful. Live. Be peaceful. Love. Be me. Be me and let nobody – not me, not my MS – take that away.

World MS Day

World MS Day

This is a short post, but may be powerful…

Today, May 31st, is World MS Day.

Let’s spread awareness, let’s share, let’s learn, let’s connect for all those who are affected by Multiple Sclerosis – all those who have it or know someone who has it! Let us, together, provide HOPE – for community, understanding, and a cure.

Thank you for reading. Share, care, and comment 🙂

Have a wonderful day xx

Throwing Caution to the Wind

Throwing Caution to the Wind

Do you find yourself treading carefully in certain situations or around certain people? Are you constantly worried that something – bad – will happen? Do you wish that caution was not a deciding factor in disclosing, in discussing, in sharing? I’ve been facing an ongoing battle within, regarding those in my life and in the handling of my health – my MS. I am struggling to find a solution to best go about diving into the deep; without hurting my loved ones and without, in turn, hurting myself. I wish this was not an additional barrier to the challenges life has tossed my way.

The goal to living life to its fullest, in today’s world, is to do; without the worrying – to “throw caution to the wind.”

I have tried so incredibly hard to avoid the subject of divorce. As a child of it, I have really tried to neglect the issue, but I cannot anymore. I talk with my sisters about it; each one of us affected, each one of us affected differently. I know that we are only a few of so many who are dealing with the repercussions of a family broken. I know that this cancer has metastasized and affects many individuals. And it is also stretching its arms around those who are not even direct victims; causing fear – of commitment, of vulnerability.

My special situation has exposed how raw and open this wound is; and I fear how long it will take to heal, though it will leave a scar to forever remind me. I am really trying not to express my feelings with negative, depressing connotations – that is not my intent. But, back to why I feel my MS has made more transparent these deep waters of divorce, I often am scared to share the problems I face with those I am supposed to feel safe in talking to. I fear that I have to choose which person to talk to and that I have to choose wisely the words I use. I am stuck treading carefully in the shallow end, dealing with my situation in silence – not completely, but not in full disclosure.

The reason for my feelings is that, in the past, sharing information I believed to be harmless actually disturbed the temporary calm waters and left those I care about, and myself, struggling to swim to the surface and gasping for air. I know that people just care and have good intentions in what they do (that is what I hope to be true), but I also feel like a pawn that both opposing teams want to play – for my benefit and their own; finding security in their control.

I wish I could give everyone control and that everyone could have their way. But, still, I fear that what I do – what I say – will leave one side at a disadvantage, leaving me injured also. So, in turn, I’ve attempted to throw caution to the wind and take control of my situation, independently. Unfortunately, it has been a swim most turbulent and I’m realizing that being alone has not dissipated my worries. I know I need help, but I don’t want to worry my family and I don’t want to choose. I wish I was closer to everyone. Family matters are no joke, and they can be difficult currents to swim through. Of course family is a beautiful, loving, and uniting entity to be a part of; I don’t know where I’d be without mine. I am so grateful to my family and I love each individual, so it pains me to see the anger and despise that accompanies separation and its follies.

Deep within, I want to throw away my cautions. I want to give everyone more than just a piece of me. I want to give them more than just a turn to play in my life; and my journey with MS. This is me – raw – throwing my cautions to the wind in disclosing these feelings that I have been dealing with. This is me throwing my cautions to the wind, swimming deeper – with hope to be rid of these fears so that I can share, with all those I love, what I’m going through – leaving no one behind.


Today Tears Fell

Today Tears Fell

Life’s teachings continue
to fall forever down –

Trickling all over me,
flooding my soul to drown.

Till with tears my eyes leak
that then make wet my cheeks;

I cannot stop the pain
life’s lessons teach for gain.

I feel so overwhelmed –
with feelings I must reap –

I fear I have no room,
no room left here to keep.

Faltering Acquiescence

Faltering Acquiescence

To accept is a choice – of freewill, we can say – that often presents conditions not worth testing – we do not dare to. I, myself, feel that I am characteristically acquiescent. Forever searching for a balance in those phenomenal matters of the heart – those matters that we refer to as relationships; with those whom we are around, as well as with ourselves and our struggles. I say to myself with frequency, ‘I am too accommodating’ as both strength and flaw, but how does this relate to unprotested acceptance? When I accommodate, I accept that this is the way it is – that the direction in which my situations are taken, as result of universal persuasion or of another’s haste to take lead, is the simplest route my emotional soul can take – to be lead.

Numbing, to the mind and body, acceptance can be; though having too limited a reserve to oppose in pursuit of self-satisfaction – to fight against the strength of stubborn’s fist – makes me weary and is often less desirable than nil feeling. So with intent to maintain the tranquility of peace, acceptance is applied as a numbing agent to keep the paining bruises at bay.

Of course there are matters I feel worth fighting for; where dignity and self-esteem are endangered. Though why do I feel that, for preservation of the self, it is sometimes better accomplished by allowing another to lead and accept what wasn’t my choice?

Recent events have me contemplating this interaction that is in life. Choices are endless and an infinite number of results can follow, which in reality cannot be undone. I much prefer to allow another to be content in doing what they’d rather, so I let them decide upon what suits them best. This is especially in the case of those who need – who thrive – on planning according to their desires, interests, and convenience. This way, this allowance is gentler on my soul and self-worth because I am not left with the responsibility of another’s unhappiness, nor am I left exhausted by debate. However in saying this, I actually find that I am sometimes left exhausted by a confronting attack I have not initiated – this exhaustion being more consuming and debilitating than a self-started debate, resulting in complete and utter demolition of my self-esteem, and after which I sit; puzzled, shaken, and empty.

I am aware that I, for myself, must make plans and have goals and set limits. So why can’t sometimes an undebated, undisputed compromise be enough? – I suppose not as much a compromise as an accommodation to a situation.

Being bruised by these confrontations my dear MS swings my way, I feel struck down and hurt, and now question my acquiescence to this mighty beast; or to any that may give me a similar beating. Perhaps I can allow my acceptance of this situation to waver. Perhaps I am allowed that selfishness – to feel good about myself, whether or not I alone decide. I do not want to fight, so I lean to acquiesce; but if I should be abused, put down, or made feel at fault, my acceptance will falter and I will rise above the oppression that needs not leave me crippled; for I will not be left empty.

POEM – Spring’s Unveilings Now To Banish

POEM – Spring’s Unveilings Now To Banish

Slowly creeping, up and up,
sensation begins to vanish.
As spring returns, bringing forth new life,
winter’s ruins lay still – almost blackish.

A dirty pile of unclean dust,
whose touch is none but numbing,
unveils the ugly face of despair
to remind you of its coming.

Slowly creeping, up and up,
the sun rises to its highest –
a light that shines ever so bright;
a delight, though still I’m biased.

The warmth bringing its bountiful cheer,
my face stretched cheek to cheek,
since in winter the light had gone away
and left the world quite bleak.

But as joyful as spring’s coming may be,
a fear is unveiled in its high heat –
that basking in the colours, now brought,
my body cannot dare to compete.

Slowly creeping, up and up,
my sensations begin to vanish.
As spring brings rise to life anew,
it casts away my legs to banish.