The Law of Motion – A Recurrent Effect

The Law of Motion – A Recurrent Effect

It feels like an infinity. It feels like I’m on an uncomfortable ride that never will end. It feels like something is consuming me, bit by bit. It is not terrible, but the lesson I am being taught is a concept I cannot comprehend – not yet.

In the past year I’ve found myself fallen, over and over again; knees bloody, head spinning, eyes full of tears, and screaming for help though no sound is coming out. I am picking up the broken pieces, feeling for steady ground, and pulling myself back up to life. When will it end? When will my body have enough? Which will come first?

The empty spaces around me, I’ve emptied for protection. But now, with all my pains, I wish them to be full – full of people, full of family, full of love. It’s not my MS that has done this to me, though it has not helped in many ways, so I will not place blame. But, I cannot stop my wondering whether it is all in my head, where it all came from, what I did that was so wrong.

I do not think of punishment – I do not like to think that way – but I also do not know the reason my road is so rough. I think of a coil, a spring, a wound elastic – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So what is my action? Why do I keep repeating it? How do I change the physics of my life?

It starts with me. I know. Wake up. Breathe. Be alive. Live. Be thankful. Live. Be peaceful. Love. Be me. Be me and let nobody – not me, not my MS – take that away.

World MS Day

World MS Day

This is a short post, but may be powerful…

Today, May 31st, is World MS Day.

Let’s spread awareness, let’s share, let’s learn, let’s connect for all those who are affected by Multiple Sclerosis – all those who have it or know someone who has it! Let us, together, provide HOPE – for community, understanding, and a cure.

https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/ms-world-day-31-things-to-know-about-multiple-sclerosis/

http://www.livinglikeyou.com/en/stories/detail/world-ms-day-what-does-life-with-ms-mean-to-you

Thank you for reading. Share, care, and comment 🙂

Have a wonderful day xx

Throwing Caution to the Wind

Throwing Caution to the Wind

Do you find yourself treading carefully in certain situations or around certain people? Are you constantly worried that something – bad – will happen? Do you wish that caution was not a deciding factor in disclosing, in discussing, in sharing? I’ve been facing an ongoing battle within, regarding those in my life and in the handling of my health – my MS. I am struggling to find a solution to best go about diving into the deep; without hurting my loved ones and without, in turn, hurting myself. I wish this was not an additional barrier to the challenges life has tossed my way.

The goal to living life to its fullest, in today’s world, is to do; without the worrying – to “throw caution to the wind.”

I have tried so incredibly hard to avoid the subject of divorce. As a child of it, I have really tried to neglect the issue, but I cannot anymore. I talk with my sisters about it; each one of us affected, each one of us affected differently. I know that we are only a few of so many who are dealing with the repercussions of a family broken. I know that this cancer has metastasized and affects many individuals. And it is also stretching its arms around those who are not even direct victims; causing fear – of commitment, of vulnerability.

My special situation has exposed how raw and open this wound is; and I fear how long it will take to heal, though it will leave a scar to forever remind me. I am really trying not to express my feelings with negative, depressing connotations – that is not my intent. But, back to why I feel my MS has made more transparent these deep waters of divorce, I often am scared to share the problems I face with those I am supposed to feel safe in talking to. I fear that I have to choose which person to talk to and that I have to choose wisely the words I use. I am stuck treading carefully in the shallow end, dealing with my situation in silence – not completely, but not in full disclosure.

The reason for my feelings is that, in the past, sharing information I believed to be harmless actually disturbed the temporary calm waters and left those I care about, and myself, struggling to swim to the surface and gasping for air. I know that people just care and have good intentions in what they do (that is what I hope to be true), but I also feel like a pawn that both opposing teams want to play – for my benefit and their own; finding security in their control.

I wish I could give everyone control and that everyone could have their way. But, still, I fear that what I do – what I say – will leave one side at a disadvantage, leaving me injured also. So, in turn, I’ve attempted to throw caution to the wind and take control of my situation, independently. Unfortunately, it has been a swim most turbulent and I’m realizing that being alone has not dissipated my worries. I know I need help, but I don’t want to worry my family and I don’t want to choose. I wish I was closer to everyone. Family matters are no joke, and they can be difficult currents to swim through. Of course family is a beautiful, loving, and uniting entity to be a part of; I don’t know where I’d be without mine. I am so grateful to my family and I love each individual, so it pains me to see the anger and despise that accompanies separation and its follies.

Deep within, I want to throw away my cautions. I want to give everyone more than just a piece of me. I want to give them more than just a turn to play in my life; and my journey with MS. This is me – raw – throwing my cautions to the wind in disclosing these feelings that I have been dealing with. This is me throwing my cautions to the wind, swimming deeper – with hope to be rid of these fears so that I can share, with all those I love, what I’m going through – leaving no one behind.

still

Today Tears Fell

Today Tears Fell

Life’s teachings continue
to fall forever down –

Trickling all over me,
flooding my soul to drown.

Till with tears my eyes leak
that then make wet my cheeks;

I cannot stop the pain
life’s lessons teach for gain.

I feel so overwhelmed –
with feelings I must reap –

I fear I have no room,
no room left here to keep.

Faltering Acquiescence

Faltering Acquiescence

To accept is a choice – of freewill, we can say – that often presents conditions not worth testing – we do not dare to. I, myself, feel that I am characteristically acquiescent. Forever searching for a balance in those phenomenal matters of the heart – those matters that we refer to as relationships; with those whom we are around, as well as with ourselves and our struggles. I say to myself with frequency, ‘I am too accommodating’ as both strength and flaw, but how does this relate to unprotested acceptance? When I accommodate, I accept that this is the way it is – that the direction in which my situations are taken, as result of universal persuasion or of another’s haste to take lead, is the simplest route my emotional soul can take – to be lead.

Numbing, to the mind and body, acceptance can be; though having too limited a reserve to oppose in pursuit of self-satisfaction – to fight against the strength of stubborn’s fist – makes me weary and is often less desirable than nil feeling. So with intent to maintain the tranquility of peace, acceptance is applied as a numbing agent to keep the paining bruises at bay.

Of course there are matters I feel worth fighting for; where dignity and self-esteem are endangered. Though why do I feel that, for preservation of the self, it is sometimes better accomplished by allowing another to lead and accept what wasn’t my choice?

Recent events have me contemplating this interaction that is in life. Choices are endless and an infinite number of results can follow, which in reality cannot be undone. I much prefer to allow another to be content in doing what they’d rather, so I let them decide upon what suits them best. This is especially in the case of those who need – who thrive – on planning according to their desires, interests, and convenience. This way, this allowance is gentler on my soul and self-worth because I am not left with the responsibility of another’s unhappiness, nor am I left exhausted by debate. However in saying this, I actually find that I am sometimes left exhausted by a confronting attack I have not initiated – this exhaustion being more consuming and debilitating than a self-started debate, resulting in complete and utter demolition of my self-esteem, and after which I sit; puzzled, shaken, and empty.

I am aware that I, for myself, must make plans and have goals and set limits. So why can’t sometimes an undebated, undisputed compromise be enough? – I suppose not as much a compromise as an accommodation to a situation.

Being bruised by these confrontations my dear MS swings my way, I feel struck down and hurt, and now question my acquiescence to this mighty beast; or to any that may give me a similar beating. Perhaps I can allow my acceptance of this situation to waver. Perhaps I am allowed that selfishness – to feel good about myself, whether or not I alone decide. I do not want to fight, so I lean to acquiesce; but if I should be abused, put down, or made feel at fault, my acceptance will falter and I will rise above the oppression that needs not leave me crippled; for I will not be left empty.

POEM – Spring’s Unveilings Now To Banish

POEM – Spring’s Unveilings Now To Banish

Slowly creeping, up and up,
sensation begins to vanish.
As spring returns, bringing forth new life,
winter’s ruins lay still – almost blackish.

A dirty pile of unclean dust,
whose touch is none but numbing,
unveils the ugly face of despair
to remind you of its coming.

Slowly creeping, up and up,
the sun rises to its highest –
a light that shines ever so bright;
a delight, though still I’m biased.

The warmth bringing its bountiful cheer,
my face stretched cheek to cheek,
since in winter the light had gone away
and left the world quite bleak.

But as joyful as spring’s coming may be,
a fear is unveiled in its high heat –
that basking in the colours, now brought,
my body cannot dare to compete.

Slowly creeping, up and up,
my sensations begin to vanish.
As spring brings rise to life anew,
it casts away my legs to banish.

What Goes Around May Come

What Goes Around May Come

Days – of all sorts – come, until so many years are gone. Thinking of the past may be one of the most crippling parts of living. Yes we reflect, accept, appreciate, and douse ourselves in nostalgia’s perfume – memorable, happy, naïve, young. But days pass and, still, we believe the past is more worth living because the present hurts and what we’ve missed on the day, now gone, must be lived in memory’s yesterday; today must wait.

Unfortunately the trouble is not just in the day of today, but also in its blocksthe call can wait; I’ll call back tomorrow…next week; but what if the time that suits you best never comes? I’m not claiming to be ‘all wise and all knowing,’ but I do know from my own experiences and habits that convenience is yours to do with what you want, and is derived from your priorities – your system’s network, wired and routed to your daily life goals, that is only activated by those most proximal, or pertinent, to your day’s success.

Today, I found myself going around and around about what I want – what I need – and I cannot convince my mind as to why I didn’t pick up the phone when those who cared wanted to talk – wanted to help, I’m sure, if I’d only answered and asked. Scared I was of disappointment, in myself and in those I never answered. So consumed with the ‘have to dos,’ I blocked the externals out and, in result, tied myself to a pole going forever around and around until my circle was perfect. Little did I realize that what goes around, may – will – come. Now I’m feeling the dead, busy lines of what I once represented; and my waist is tied, still, to my rope so that I cannot reach to troubleshoot.

I’ve come around, a full circle made, and my corners are dirty; dust-filled with negligence.

Like those I once avoided for fear of giving bad news, I’ve become – unanswered. Un-begrudgingly we act towards those as we’ve been treated; reciprocating, by example, how those who acted may wish to be regarded. We, our kind, complete this circle and go around and around to be faced with what may in fact come back from what we thought was past.

MS alone brings many burdens and hardships; ones that I’m not too proud to say are impossible to manage alone. Stubborn and defeated, I shut off (or at least I want to), and decide that I don’t have the energy to deal with anyone or anything that has nothing to do with my sufferings; for fear of burdening them with these sufferings or for fear of wasting my energies. Why do I do this to myself…to others? Of course I have no energy; I’ve spent it on fury – fury with my symptoms, fury with myself – why me? – fury with loved ones so far away. Now that I’ve realized my mistakes in communication and in not living the day as given, I’ve completed a full revolution and must resolve my course of action, break my circle, and mend my course of action towards others so that – perhaps, in turn – I may be answered.